I Have Officially Grossed Myself Out
I thought long and hard about posting this or not. And at the risk of losing all, um, 11 of my loyal readers, I decided to be brave and go ahead and post it. If nothing else, I can prove to you that I’m only human, and that maybe someone else out there is suffering the same horrible affliction that I am. No, this one has nothing to do with midgets, plungers or jars of mayonnaise. Sorry. Instead it has to do with typing. And, well, eating.
Here’s a crappy shot of my wireless keyboard. It’s a nice Microsoft multimedia wireless one that I’ve had for probably 2 years now. Not too much to complain about. Good function keys, great wireless functionality and the batteries actually last a decent amount of time.
Sorry for the glare. The lighting in my office is awful. Anyways, the only other problem is that the keys are semi-transparent. They’re dark but you can kind of see beneath them a bit. And the reason this causes a problem is because, well, I’m a guy. And like most guys, I’m a bit of a slob. Actually, I’m pretty neat and organized generally. But when it comes to my desk, I eat there all the time. And crumbs will go flying. Everywhere. Which after a year or two of build-up, will look a lot like the spaces in between all the keys as seen below:
Eww. Yeah, I hear ya. Nasty stuff. That’s most likely a combination of dust, goldfish crackers, Baked Lay’s potato chips, pretzels and more dust. Every so often, I’ll shake the thing out over the garbage can.
Still here? I admire your bravery and loyalty. Or is it more like a train wreck and you just can’t look away? Well here’s an even closer close-up for you lucky few:
Sometimes when I’m typing, though, I’ll stop and look. And wonder, “What the hell did I eat?” Like under the spacebar, I honestly think that’s… a piece of cheese! Cheese! WTF? I can’t believe I would’ve actually wasted a piece of cheese! What was I thinking?
At this point, I can either buy one of those tiny computer vacuums and those air-in-a-can things and go to town on this abomination of a keyboard. Or I can just toss the damn thing out and buy a new one. Although, a third alternative would be to just do absolutely nothing and hope I don’t eventually catch Ebola or something. Any thoughts or suggestions out there before my keyboard actually becomes sentient and digests me?
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Comments
You stocking up on food for the winter, Andrew? Putting something away for a rainy day?
hehe….
Sorry, just couldn’t resist. 
Ok, that is gross. I’m a new reader of your blog and you have not scared me away yet. Have you tried turning it upside down and hitting the bottom? lol
Jason - Okay, dishwasher is a no go. Got it. Glad I read your comment first. But the washing machine’s okay, right?
Tish - You know me too well. I figure no one in their right mind would look for a bacon double cheeseburger under the P key.
Rose - Hi there! It’s always nice to meet a new reader. Especially one that I haven’t scared away yet. That in itself is a bit scary. And yes, I have tried that and prob should do again. But it’s more of a Band-Aid then a true cure. 
Two Write Hands - Awesome. I’ve saved at least one deserving soul.
Is it wrong that I really fancy a sandwich about now? One of those you buy at some little corner shop and you have to guess the ingredients before it kills you so you can get the antidote?
Rose - Great tip. (No pun intended.) I’ll give it a shot! And no, you didn’t scare me off in the least bit. No worries.
Sy - You read my mind. I’ll splurge for the antidote if you pick up the sammich.
Jason - I’m on it!
OMG that is so gross! I’m a germaphobe so the photographs are pretty much my biggest nightmare.
I vacuum out my keyboard once or twice a week (with a regular vacuum hose) and use Q-tips to clean out the cracks.
I won’t unsubscribe because I love you for you are on the “inside” and not your ummm..puss sucking keyboard (runs off puking)
Oh wow, I’m actually impressed haha. The bit that really made me laugh was the massive lump of cheese under the space bar lol.
PS: Just discovered your blog, and I gotta say that I’m impressed so far. Keep up the good work!
lolololol. i’m not grossed out cause honestly… my keyboard was almost as bad. But i put on makeup at my desk too. So there’s sparkles, eye shadow powder as well as crumbs and what not.. esp since i used to be a wow’er.. so like.. 16 hours playing straight eatting at my desk for 2.5 years leads to a gross keyboard.. but i’m too lazy to clean that much too, so i just bought a nice new one ^^ get a new oneeeee. dooo it. come to the darkside.
Christy - Hmmm. So our friendship has come to this. You puking your guts out at my posts, but still coming back for more. Yeah, I can live with that.
Tom - Howdy, sir! Thanks for the kind words and glad you found my humble little abode on the blogosphere.
Christine - Hah! Well if I had sparkles and shadow powder all over my keyboard I’d be a lot more concerned about other things then a dirty keyboard. Heh. And yeah, I’m leaning towards dumping the thing and buying a new one. At the very least, it’s a tax write-off. Plus, maybe I can give my dirty keyboard away as a prize! Think anyone out there wants a disgusting dirty keyboard filled with random food bits? Practical and nutritious!
Yuck! I was thinking the other day that my keyboard was getting a bit dirty …note I thought that, but couldn’t be bothered doing anything about it … but yours is heaps worse than mine.
Man, Christy above is hardcore with the cleaning. Me? I just throw them out when they start getting gross. I’ll never let them reach the state of your keyboard. I can’t even look at the pictures without gagging!
I vote for buying a new one. Hell, buy 10 of them if you’re gonna dirty them up all the time.
Ian - Thanks for the vote of confidence. Heh. Glad I could make you feel better about your own semi-dirty keyboard.
Lis - See now that’s a few people who are gagging at the photos. I’m starting to think maybe I should buy a new one. Maybe I’ll send you this one so you can literally yak all over it and then post photos of the puked-on keyboard, thus causing someone else to puke…
Mimzie - No they don’t. Sorry to disappoint.
Take off all the keys, scrape all that stuff out, put it in a pile. Then roll it up into a ball and put it in the microwave for a minute. Finally sprinkle some soy sauce on there and voila.
Find a friend with an ant farm! Leave the keyboard to be run over by ants for a few days, letting them go to town on that stuff. I know it worked for an old N64 controller that got dunked in some Coke, but then again the ants may have been attracted to the sugar.
So… dunk it in Coke and give it to ants?
hey andrew, if you going to resort to buying a new keyboard the new apple ones are pretty useful for that. you can pretty much wipe a cloth across it and all those big macs stuck between the space bar and the comma key are long gone. Those keys look like they can come off with a bit of physical encouragement (a knife maybe?) should be able to remove the keys, clean the inside and then click them all back on.
well if you are fairly neat and organized, I don’t see why you couldn’t just pill off the keys and clean it out a little at a time. (so as not to mix up or lose the keys and be able to keep them in order.) I actually have the same problem since I eat at my desk all the time as well. I just recently bought a keyboard that makes it extremely easy to clean. It is set up so that even though stuff can get under the keys, nothing actually gets INTO the keyboard. All the keys depress into a raised opening, unlike most keyboards where the opening isn’t raised. There are also drain holes that make it virtually spill proof as well.
I would suggest that next time, get a more traditional keyboard, i.e.: opaque keys. There are things Man was not meant to see.
My keyboard was pretty much the same. I popped all the keys off (after taking a photo of their placement to ensure I didn’t reverse any when I put them back) and put them all into a bowl of isopropyl alcohol. Then I grabbed some cotton balls and went to town scrubbing each one individually and my wife dried them off for me. I used the cotton balls and som Q-tips to scrub out the keyboard case with more alcohol (keyboard was unplugged) and then let everything sit for a while to ensure it was dry. Then I put all the keys back on, and the keyboard looked as new as the day I bought it. And for the next two weeks my finger tips flaked reminding me how stupid I was not to wear gloves while I did the job. Actually, they were pretty painful and cracked. Be sure to wear rubber gloves. That was six months ago. Now my keyboard is getting dirty again - but I’ll probably let it build up for at least another year before doing it again since it was a serious pain in the patootie.
You know, I believe toxic waste is illegal in most countries.
Kidding aside, I just hope your keyboard isn’t oily.
Because mine is oily as fuck. ):
Pancor - Hmm. I like it, except probably a lot better broiled then in the microwave.
Stan - Interesting experiment. Unfortunately, it’s long gone now to the great garbage dump in the sky. Or rather, in the county.
Izl - Are you mocking me? What am I, a clown? Do you find me amusing?!?!?
Ben - I’m not a fan of most apple keyboards actually. And I do try to keep my mac and PC separate since they don’t get along too well…
Rob - Holy crap! That sounds like the perfect keyboard to me! Drainage holes even!??! What keyboard is it? Do you have a link? I’d be so tempted to just pour beer on the keys to see if it worked though…
Ouroborus - What are you saying? That the food that didn’t make it into my mouth shouldn’t be seen by another human soul? That’s cold, man. Cold… And so true…
Wayne - Um. Yeah. No way I’m doing that. Buying a new keyboard was 6,000 times easier. But bully for you!
TzG - Sounds like you should try deep-frying your keyboard… Mmmm… Deep fried keyboard…
At one point my keyboard got really bad,
full of food, dust, pieces of paper etc,
so i decided to pop all the keys off, clean it,
and pop them back on. alot better than buying a new one
You know, most keyboards’ keys can be pried off harmlessly.
That’s how I’ve cleaned both of mine– take a nickel, start pulling off keys and just wipe it down
Be careful though, spacebars can get ruined if they’re springloaded and you lose the springs.
>_>
You need a VIC.
The Virtually Indestructible Keyboard has a wireless version, can handle a diet coke or hot coffee spill with ease, wipes clean with a soapy rag, and has no recesses at ALL to lose your food in.
In fact, you can park your cheeseburger ON it, and it won’t care.
I have spent the last 3.5 years on my couch with my wireless keyboard in my lap thru just about everything a person can do on a couch (bad accident) The last time I had my 23 yr old son clean out my keyboard he was grossed out. Now I have something to show him that was worse than mine,lol
I’d go for the new one and start over,lol
i read somewhere else that some guy let ants eat all the crap out of his keyboard….lol. which might not be such a bad idea, although with the amount you have trapped down your keyboard it could take awhile.
Why are so many people afraid to dish-wash their keyboards? I’ve done it countless times and have had no problems. Just flip it over, take out all the screws and just put the top half (without any electronics stuff on it) in the dishwasher.
I can’t imagine that the plastic of your keyboard is that different than that of a plastic cup, so I can’t imagine why it would melt.
kavkaz - HAH! That literally made me laugh out loud. (And I don’t actually LOL. Like ever.) I’d probably say it’s equivalent to 2 double whoppers with cheese.
Jordan - That sounds like way too much work. Sooo much easier to just hop online. go to staples.com and order me up a new one. If I can get my keyboard to cooperate that is…
Vince - Thanks for getting my back, bud.
subignition - Y’see, that’s exactly what’d happen if I tried to clean it myself. I’d lose the springs and be cursing out every one of you readers who told me to clean it myself.
Kit - I must find a VIC. And a cheeseburger. Now I’m hungry.
Julie - Sorry to hear you had such a bad accident. 
But I guess I’m glad I could cheer you up and outdo you. All without the benefit of a couch. Oh man, I can only imagine how much WORSE it’d be if I used my keyboard on a couch…
Paul - Dude, I never said it was hard to do. Just too damn gross to deal with.
Archy - Yeah but then the roaches would get stuck under the keys and it’d be even harder to type. And even grosser, if you can imagine.
Lara - Yep, I’ve comforted another soul with my pain. Glad to help.
tina - I’ve gotta go dig up this ants-attack-keyboards-or-joysticks thing since everyone’s talking about it.
actually, just yesterday i finally cleaned off my keyboard. i thought for a second i actually found jism on it.. which is odd for a couple reasons. 1. because i’m a chick, and i dont have much range 2. because this was my work keyboard and i dont usually masterbate there.
then i realized it was yogurt.
Pop off all the “normal” (like numbers and letters) keys. Make a note of their location. Clean carefully with q-tip (maybe with a tiny amount of rubbing alcohol.) all the spaces under the keys. Clean each key as you replace them. Then go get a keyboard cover like they have at the hospital. then you can just take the cover off and clean it when it gets messy again.
Damn! That did gross me out. Not looking at yours but it made me look at mine. Just as bad as yours as far as I can tell.
I do the same with my board, just pop out all the keys, wash them (I hand-wash, dunno about dishwashers), and use a duster to get the crap out. Then use paper towels to get ALL the crap out, then use alcohol wipes to get that cheese residue, and other oils. Hooray, clean keyboard. As for prevention? Since my keyboard wasn’t wireless, I got one of those roll-up keyboards. Clean as a whistle, never a problem if I get something oily on it.
Guess there are no wireless keyboards like that, not that I know of. Million dollar patent anyone?
Hey man I saw your key board and it reminded me of my laptop. In the URL is a link to a picture of my laptop on my photobucket. Theres crap alll under the keys and have to pop them off every once in a while and clean out under them, lost the n key! and the mouse and the silver plastic in front of the keys is worn down to the point of it being black! and the mouse button is warn down to the white under plastic. HORRIBLE! people laugh hysterically when i take it out during classes.
Hi there.
I have the same keyboard as you, except that mine is the ergonomic version.
I regularly (ever few months or so) unscrew the keyboard. take it to bits and give it a damn good hoovering out. The keyboard comes apart and goes back together very easily, so I suggest you give that a go first :o)
Dear god the colours! The combination of colours!
Ahem. I’m no better myself. I’ve this keyboard for about three years and it’s full of, at a quick glance, tobacco, dried food and for some reason, bits of paper.
Get some hands wipes, there relatively cheap and set them in reach of your keyboard and use them occassionally on it and turn your keyboard upside down and shake the stuff that has fallen into it, might work and last longer for you
DON’T put it in the dishwasher! Maybe invest in a sealed keyboard - their made for slobs like us.